I have not had a great October.
I honestly think it is due to a combination of things, but it seems like one thing that really affected me poorly was Anna's birthday. I've heard that some years it's harder than others and apparently it's true. Last year didn't seem this hard, maybe because we were able to visit her gravesite and I had a new baby? I'm not sure. But this year it really, really hit me. I've had a few weeks of what I consider depression: really tired, not wanting to get out of bed, grouchy, short-tempered, moody, not able to leave my house, irritable, etc. I don't think it helped that 3 days before Anna's birthday, a good friend had a baby girl whom they named Anna (I'm really happy for them, seriously. It's a wonderful name and I am glad they chose it). I feel like I'm slowly getting out of this "funk" but I feel so guilty for neglecting my family.
Another thing contributing to my not-so-great October is that Clark is 3 1/2. I've decided I really don't like age 3. I don't know if he's starved for attention since I've recently spent most of my time grouchy and in bed, or if it's just him being 3. I can't tell if he's become disobedient and defiant and destructive because of his age, or because of my neglect. But it makes me want to hide under my covers longer. Plus, he hasn't had a dry night for about a month. Which means I haven't had a decent night's sleep in at least that long. He wets the bed, wakes up, comes to get me, we clean it up, change clothes, change sheets, etc. which then leaves me wide awake and takes me an hour or two to wind back down and fall asleep again. Sometimes this happens multiple times per night. I can't imagine that's helping my "depression" any. I put him in a diaper tonight in hopes of us both getting a good night's sleep.
Thanks. I just needed to get that all out. I have been complaining to Adrian for far too long, poor guy. I'm ready to be a happy mom again. I guess I just wanted to tell you that. Thank you for listening.
I've been thinking about depression a lot lately too. It's not a confession by any means, because that makes it a bad thing - and while it's bad to go through it, it's not bad as in your fault and you need to confess. But I'm glad you opened up... often that helps.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and know that for all the days you feel like you are neglecting your children and being a "poor mother" your children have a million wonderful memories of a "super mom"!
I hope you feel happy soon.
I haven't been going through the same events as you, but I've had similar feelings. I think I realized today that I need some "me" time. I mean, I get a few hours a week to myself when I teach water aerobics, but it just seems lately, that's not enough. Maybe its because I've not showered alone in who knows when. Just seems like the only 'me' time is running errands. So I've decided that this weekend (hopefully) I'm getting something done for me. I haven't decided if its a hair cut, or a pedicure, but something. Enough about me, lets talk about you. Want to get a pedicure with me? How about for Christmas, we get pedicures. Get all the girls together, leave the kids at home, and have 'me' time. I sure miss you a ton and hope I get to see you and FINALLY meet your spectacular kids!
ReplyDeleteOh, and as for Clark... Liz and I talk everyday. One of our favorite sayings is "make it easy". We tell each other this when we are feeling guilty for feeding our kids breakfast infront of the TV or things like that. While we don't do it all the time, sometimes you need to 'make it easy' to re-group and start over. If he needs a diaper for the next few nights, thats ok. Start again Monday. The better rest you get, the more patient you will be with trying again.
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
ps I'm sorry this turned out so long. Maybe I should have just emailed you.
im sorry ur going through a hard time right now- i have no advice except that maybe ur son should wear training underwear things so it doesnt get so messy at night--there than that Im hear to be an ear :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through all this at the same time, Jodie! I can really relate, I think 3.5 really stinks. I feel like I give it my all (after spending the day about to puke) and then get nasty sassy attitude. You're not alone!
ReplyDeleteI've been meaning to tell you that I re-read your Anna blog a few weeks ago and it was such a strength to me. It reminded me that these 2 months of absolute sickness are completely worth it, no matter how long this baby is mine. Her spirit is worth these trials (and so are Clark and maddie's!!) Thank you for sharing your story and givingme the strength to keep on keeping on!
Here's hoping November treats you better!
I love you Jodie! This year was the hardest for me too with Allie. She would have been 5. She should be starting kindgarten, dance classes, piano,... on and on! I've made the list in my mind a million times! I think it's good to talk about it! I am so glad that I have had you and Anna to give me strength too! I love you!!
ReplyDeleteNo sage words of wisdom here because I've been feeling like I'm barely keeping it together myself lately. I do hope you feel better soon...sending cyber hugs your way!
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's just not possible to be 100% all of the time. You have a lot on your plate right now, and you can't be expected to be the world's greatest mom every day. You are most of the time, anyway, so I say you can definitely forgive yourself for staying under the covers a little longer. I hope things start looking up...:)
ReplyDeleteAnd yes---it's not the terrible 2's, it's the terrible 3's. At age 3 they want to do everything themselves, plus they have a full vocabulary which they are usually shouting or whining. Hang in there 4 is a lot better...:)
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone. Me, my roommate, and my sister have all had really rough Octobers (septembers too) and are all fighting off depression from it. When I used to be depressed on my own, that was one thing. But now with a spouse and kid, not only am I depressed, I also feel such GUILT from being depressed. So yeah, I totally understand.
ReplyDeleteJust remember: it does get better. Without the lows the highs wouldn't mean as much. Here's hoping for a high for you real soon.
i love your honesty. i admire it. you are not alone. :)
ReplyDeleteOh Jodie. I second the sentiment of how very many memories your kids have and will have of you being the kind of mom I aspire to be. No need to feel guilty for responding to your grief and lack of sleep!
ReplyDeleteAnd I second the idea of sometimes getting time alone away or with friends, whichever feeds your soul the most. Remember when I decided to drive down to Indiana to visit for no apparent reason? There you go.
I love you and miss you so much!
I'm very sorry. I never know the right things to say. But, I'm so sorry this happened and I'm sure you miss her.
ReplyDeleteI read what you did for Anna's birthday, so sweet. My sister-in-law went through the same thing and every year on Nicholas's birthday they let balloons go for him. They travel to heaven to meet him so he knows they love him. Just a thought of something else to celebrate Anna.
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